“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
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A Parenting Story
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things