Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
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#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school