Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
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please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.