Roses are red, you always mattered,
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I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Tony Hawk, age 6
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.