Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
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Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.