please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
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Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
a lot to unpack here
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.