@tarashoe: please sir. i beg of you. don't take away my job. i've got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it's tuscan
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@NourHadidi: Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
@ManJuggs: Just overheard the gentleman in the next stall whisper "get out of me" and then start to cry. God I hate the Olive Garden.
@EndhooS: Wife: He's always rewriting the past.. Therapist: is this true? Me: [doesn't hear because I'm typing 'Shrek killed Hitler' into Wikipedia]
@Reverend_Scott: Good thing Father's Day is only one day. I don't think I could stand to be a father longer than that.