please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
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Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Bros before Ohioes
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.