Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
You Might Also Like
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Choose your fighter
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!