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I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*