Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
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[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.