Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
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I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Love is always patient and kind.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.