I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
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Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
More like Kate Missington.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers