I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
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My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.