@Home_Halfway: "Please stop being mean" - Me 3 seconds in to a rap battle
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@ceejoyner: 2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said "nice lumberjack costume."
@AndyRichter: If you're not carrying around matchbooks from places you've been recently I don't know why you don't want your murder to be solved
@TattleTSister: I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
@grievre: 20 yr old me: dude holy shit you have to try ecstasy 30 yr old me: dude holy shit you have to try using properly sharpened kitchen knives