Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
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Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.