Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
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The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Ooh I do like a good funnel
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
When a shoelace touches your ankle
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…