@otterwrangler: Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
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@tokyo_sexwhale: If you fill your girlfriend's hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
@tastefactory: [in front of fire] DATE: I'm still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket* ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
@ExecDad1: If you think men aren't good listeners then whisper "C'mere, I'm naked" and I will hear you eight states away.