Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
You Might Also Like
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers