Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
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I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous