@hexprax: Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I'm not a dairy cow
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@NewDadNotes: *cat rubs against genie lamp* G: you get one wish Cat:*makes eye contact & slowly pushes lamp off table* G: guess who just wished for a dog
@nappydolemite: I love hoodies because maybe I work out, maybe I ate 4 whole large pizzas last week. You don't know.
@TheRobCee: [stewardess] "Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time"
@roboticcrab: [Biblical Times] God: oh shit Angel: what? God: I just realized I've been leaning on the frog button