@: Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I'm not a dairy cow
@distracted_monk: Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
@mewritesgood: You say "potato", I say "This isn't working. I think we are unhealthy together and you scare the shit out of me. Keep the cat. He hates me."
@elle91: Guess who's got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
@T_Bonezzz_: Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
@MrsRupertPupkin: I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.