Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
You Might Also Like
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself