Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
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When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms