Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
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Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.