@_mindflakes: "Please stop misquoting me on Twitter," said my boss. "It makes me sad because I am a large baby with a stupid haircut"
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@TheMichaelRock: Me: Hey lady, you can't park there. Her: I'm just running into Starbucks. Me: Oh shit, my bad. Laws don't apply to you then.
@garrettbarry70: There's nothing more exciting than waking up with a half eaten burger in your hand.
@PartyBitchKayla: advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
@primawesome: If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it's only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.