@_mindflakes: "Please stop misquoting me on Twitter," said my boss. "It makes me sad because I am a large baby with a stupid haircut"
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@ninjadinosaur1: My neighbour said I'm not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they'd prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
@Reverend_Scott: [on date] Ok, don't let her know ur a vampire. Her: I think I'll have a steak. A STAKE?? [turns into bat and flies away]
@DamienFahey: I'll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I'm eating on Instagram.