People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
You Might Also Like
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”