@_mindflakes: "Please stop misquoting me on Twitter," said my boss. "It makes me sad because I am a large baby with a stupid haircut"
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@OleThickHawk: My wife came into my room at the ER and started unplugging stuff and flipping switches until she realized that I had just sprained my ankle.
@AimeeHelene1: "And this is my creepy husband, John." (The way my friend should introduce her husband)
@2thestreetz: If you want world peace, your army should be made up of massage therapists. I mean, who could fight while getting a relaxing massage?