This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
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Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans