Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
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Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂