@AsgardianRose: Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called "Parking Violation".
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@BuckyIsotope: *sits son down for the talk* You ready? “Yeah” Ok. When a man and a woman love each other- *pulls out Pokéball* -they throw this at a baby
@mynameisntdave: JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my...cat
@slimmy_shady: Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that's not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
@KatieBurnett: Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it