Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
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We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.