If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
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What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️