Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
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My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
mariah carrie
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Education is vital
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.