Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
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*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes