@JohnLyonTweets: Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You're distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
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@TheRealRHB: Wife: Don't you think the yard needs to be mowed? (from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house) Me: It looks fine to me
@Gennefer: I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can't get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
@Home_Halfway: Anyone ever notice how the word "opinion" looks like "onion", and how if you cut into either, people start crying?