@JohnLyonTweets: Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You're distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
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@shutupmikeginn: Girl on my bus has a therapy dog with a marked vest and I was like, "what kind of therapy is he in?" because of course I said that
@Book_Krazy: Boss: You're late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired Me: Well I didn't know! I ducked out early on Friday
@_Pandy: seven swans to rule them all, six geese to find them, five gold rings to bring them all, and in the pear tree bind them
@slaughthie: Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say "well, she was always kind of like this."