Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
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DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..