Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
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A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Merica.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.