“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
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watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Herpes is trending, good job people
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.