Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
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Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Me in tagged photos
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
I thought this was funny lol
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within