Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
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Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
This is my bus stop.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.