Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
You Might Also Like
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Happy Caturday!
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
This why you should mind your business
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line