Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
You Might Also Like
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
I’m literally crying
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Hmmmmm
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun