Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
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The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]