Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
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My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Jesus Christ lmao
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL