Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
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“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”