Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
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Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons