@margolundy: Please tell me the grounds around mental hospitals have walking trails called psychopaths running through them.
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@JohnLyonTweets: Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We've never met before, right?
@trojansauce: [fleeing the bank we just robbed] accomplice: play it cool this time, okay? me: GOD I HATE CRIME YOU GUYS police officer: alright he's clear
@PaperWash: It's not about retweets or followers, it's about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
@ninjadinosaur1: The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I'm way too clingy, so the exorcism didn't work.