I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
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Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook