would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
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[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
A bold strategy
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead