“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
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If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?