“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
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Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀