In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
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Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Roses are red, you always mattered,
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God