*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
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Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter