Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
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I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.