You when you started twitter vs. you now.
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Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.