Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
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I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]