Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
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*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
stand with me against insufficient seating
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.