[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
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ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
this is me
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.